Recipe: Dr. Pepper Tofu

It was as bad as it sounds.

On Easter Sunday, I realized how much I love ham. But I also realized I didn’t have any ham—HAMLESS!

Which left me drooling over my mom’s ham glaze recipe: Dr. Pepper, brown sugar, salt, and mustard, simmered down to liquefied yum. As I stared at the mile-long queue outside the super market, I felt defiant. “To be, or not to be” was not the question—this Hamless would have that glaze come hell or high water!

And so I created the worst Easter dinner of all time. Do not cook this.

---

Recipe: Dr. Pepper Tofu

Time Required: 10 min prep time—20 min cook time—30 min pizza delivery time

Ingredients:

Extra firm tofu: packaged, drained, pressed, expired (but smelling okay).

Glaze: Dr. Pepper, brown sugar, mustard.

Instructions:

1. Add a half can of Dr. Pepper, some brown sugar, and a little bit of mustard in a sauce pan. Reduce until consistency of a glaze. Add more soda until it tastes like a movie theater.

2. Cut tofu into shapes that resemble LEGOs. Bake the LEGOfu at 375 degrees for 15 minutes.

3. Glaze tofu as it cooks.

4. Realize that Dr. Pepper and brown sugar work on ham because they counteract the ham’s saltiness and meatiness.

5. Glaze tofu once again.

6. Realize that tofu has neither saltiness nor meatiness and takes the flavor of whatever it’s basted in.

7. Remove tofu. It should be sticky and squishy and taste like the inside of a Jelly Belly.

8. Place order for pizza.

Let me know what you think!